I receive emails from autismspeaks.org regularly and they have a different story each time. I liked this one because I relate so well, like someone was writing about me. It's funny how everyone has their own perspective of what you should do or how to react or how to feel. What the reality is everyone has their own story and they are all beautiful and wonderous. How lucky we are to beable to share them. I have said often Austin has taught me more things than I could ever teach him, I will spend my life trying to repay him for what he has done for me and our family.
The Most Important ChoiceBy Paula ScheiderEditor's note: The opinions expressed herein are those of the author exclusively.
I got to choose her first name - Fiona. Her father chose her middle name - Claire. I got to choose her Easter dresses, her birthday and the Winnie the Pooh motif on all of her furniture. I chose her godparents and her doctor and her first shoes. Her father chose
her car seat and her bath toys and the darling little shirt that said “Oink!” with the piglet on it. We chose her Christmas ornaments and the gifts under the tree. We chose to have our Fiona. We did not choose autism. In the beginning, before I was able to get an “official” diagnosis, my choice was to comb the message boards and Google for hours. I chose to buy hundreds of dollars worth of educational toys and videos. I chose to chat online with other mothers whose children were diagnosed and I chose to cling to the ever-dimming hope that I was wrong. For weeks, I vacillated between anger and resignation, certainty and confusion, jealousy and joy. There were days where all I focused on was autism and all of the negative stories. There were nights that I did not sleep – instead I made list after list of everything Fiona would miss. Everything we, as her parents, would never experience. I mourned and I raged and I begged and I cried and I made more lists and I surfed and read and researched. The internet is a miraculous thing. The amount of information available is overwhelming – whether it's autism or auto mechanics. Want to spend hours reading tragic story after tragic story about an autistic child? I have your message board. Interested in insurance nightmares? Educational struggles? I've got another hundred message boards for you. Vaccines? Type “autism” and “vaccine” and you get almost one million Google hits. Or perhaps you would rather read about autism from the perspective of an adult with autism – there are literally hundreds of blogs to choose from. And some are joyful and some are depressing and some are infuriating and some made me sob. I gave up a thousand times and started over a thousand and one. Then one day, as I was wallowing in my pain and anger, a question came to mind.Do you want to spend time mourning the daughter you can never have or do you want to spend time loving the daughter you have been given?And then I made my choice.I turned off the computer and I began to dance with Fiona.I abandoned my quest to find out “how” it happened, because frankly, I don't care. I tore up those mental lists of everything we were cheated out of and made longer lists of our blessings and accomplishments.I dug out my sign language book from college and began working on communicating with my daughter.I made the decision to do everything I could to make Fiona's life her own, as opposed to the one I wanted for her.I remembered that I have 3 special and unique children, not just one with autism.I began to celebrate every small victory and accomplishment, because they mean so much more.We chose to be Fiona's mommy and daddy and not victims of autism.And now, every day, I choose to be happy.As a sidenote, it has been almost a year to the day that we were told that Fiona was severely autistic and would most likely be non-verbal. I guess no one shared that with her, since at last count, she is at close to 100 words (and Mommy is one of them!), can say her ABCs & count to 20 and can recite much of "Green Eggs And Ham" from memory. Every single day, there is another step forward -- what more could we ask for?
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This was the birthday dinner Kevin's parents were here for. They were here visiting the week of labor day. We went to Texas Land 'n Cattle, so yummy so yummy! You can see Austin staring in wonderment. He LOVES birthdays, birthday cake, birthday presents...anything BIRTHDAY! This is Kevin's last birthday in his 30's but don't tell him that...shhhh.
Could this be a peace offering...we could only hope!
I don't know why but I love this picture.
The funny thing about this picture is that we did not stay here. We moved to another table because it was too close to the door the staff kept going in and out of and was a distraction for Austin.
Our church had a special picnic for all the voluteers, Kevin volunteers each Sunday in the Children's Ministry working with special needs children. We had a great time. We had to ride the tractor twice and if we went with Austin's wished we would have rode it several more times. The ranch we were at is called Circle R ranch in Flower Mound, very close to the ranch we visit each year that has an awesome pumpkin patch.
Yes, Austin wanted to ride the mechanical bull. He did an awesome job! He had that, I am frightened/terrified and excited look throughout the ride. You know prefessional bull riders try to stay on for 8 seconds...Austin was on for over 30! Here is the video...It is a large file and may take some time to fully load.
